If there is one thing I wish could happen is that I never started going to the casino. I need to stop now, cause it’s getting to be too much.

I was reintroduced to it again here in kamloops. I am just not in a good place right now in my life. I don’t know what to do. But one thing I wish is just to get back what I lost. And I’d be done.

I know it’s a learning thing. But man, it sure makes you feel like shit.  I need something good like drop in hockey and healthy friends that want to go to the gym. Or jam on the guitar or learn new songs.

I feel I’m stuck and in a rut. I think I’ll have to make some changes again in my life. Or maybe another change of scene, who knows? I don’t know why but to this day I don’t feel like I belong anywhere and just don’t know how to feel around people anymore. But one thing for sure is that I miss all my late bros and family members very much. I would give anything to spend time with them again. 

When people ask me how I’m doing I always just say I’m ok or I’m good, you know, the usual. But deep down I’m screaming for a way out or an escape from this pain and suffering. Is it how life is supposed to be ? I want to be happy again and haven’t felt that in a very long time.

When I get to visit my younger brother Boogie, or my mom, things are good. I’m very proud of their accomplishments and their view on life: to never give up, to work your ass off, and be able to stand on your own two feet. And to not expect anything but your time. I need to search for my worth, it’s purpose, cause I’m lost. This life really loves to kick you when your down and won’t stop even, if you’re hurt or in pain.

Right now I’m in that spot- almost wanting to just throw in the towel. It feels like my self worth is nothing right now,  that my purpose is up, that nothing has changed.

And why do I stay sober ? It doesn’t even matter anymore. I am struggling to just stay above water cause I’m drowning and it sucks.

I’m gonna work on staying away from gambling. But  know, if you are a gambler, that’s very tough to do. You think, ‘Well maybe this time it will hit… or just one more spin…. “

Oh yes, I’ll admit that I am addicted to gambling. I wish I never even went back.

A word of advice: don’t gamble or play these stupid slot machines cause they just take your dreams slowly and kill you slowly . But if you don’t have a problem with it and just start home like I used to do then that’s cool. If you only spend like 40 bucks each time just to entertain yourself every once in a blue moon then that’s ok too, I suppose.

But if you know me, my limits are ? I got no limits. It’s all or nothing for me. I once got everything back that I’d put in. But I put it all back in, cause I was greedy. And this was a very very humbling experience.

So ya im fine now. Take care and stay safe everyone. Love you all! don’t be stupid like me and learn from what I’ve just gone through, cause it’s real and it can ruin lives. Iwish I could have just listened to my brother Norris and stopped while I was ahead. Or just stopped and accepted my loss.