08 04 1977  Sense and Nonsense

Most family magazines seem to have at least one page devoted to I.Q. tests. These tests contain a list of questions for the reader to evaluate his knowledge of, or aptitude for, certain things. Each I.Q. test is related to a topic, whether it be marriage, nutrition, the energy crisis, or some other factor pertaining to space-age living/ The topic I like best is the one relating to marriage. It is also the easiest, as most of the answers are obvious. However to honestly evaluate ones’ aptitude for this oldest of institutions, one must select the answer which most closely resembles one’s own reaction to the situation in question. I sometimes prefer to lie.

For the benefit of wives and potential wives everywhere, I have compiled a marriage I.Q. test. Please select the answer (a, b, or c) which most closely resembles your reaction in these critical marriage situations. (For an honest evaluation of your wifely worth, it is best not to lie.)

1. If your husband sniffs at the aroma of your new “Passion Powder” perfume, and remarks “That stuff smells like fly dope.” would you a) Hit him b) Kick him c) Thank him, and suggest that the Avon lady may have mixed up her orders and the stuff probably is fly dope.
2. If he forgets your birthday would you a) Scream loudly (with tears) “You don’t love me anymore !” b) Put poison in his coffee c) Put on a sexy negligee, bake him a cake, and tell him how wonderful he is anyway.
3. If he complains that your cooking just “isn’t as good as mother’s used to be” would you a) Tell him (sarcastically) “So go eat at your mother’s then!” b) Dump the whole mess on his head c) Get a job and pay his mother to cook for him.
4. If he gripes that his socks don’t match, and some of them have holes in them would you a) Suggest he give you money to buy him new socks (along with the fur coat you always wanted) b) Cut holes in all his socks, so at least the holes will match, c) Stay up all night, knitting new socks and darning old ones.
5. If he “blows his top” over the dent you put in his brand new car would you a) Blame his “neurotic worrying” over “that stupid car” for making you nervous and causing the accident to happen, b) Drive the car to the nearest cliff. Get out and place it in gear, allowing it to roll over the cliff. Go home and tell Hubby, “Now the insurance company will buy you another car, with no dents in it at all!” c) Take a course in car body repair and fix the dent yourself.
6. If he insists that you “don’t do a thing all day” while he has to slave to bring home the bacon you, a) Not do a thing the next day, to show him how awful the place would look if you “didn’t do a thing all day” b) Say (sarcastically) “What bacon? You don’t make enough money at your crummy job to afford eggs, let alone bacon!” c) Kiss him and the kids goodnight and apply for a job on the midnight shift.

If you answered mostly a) on the above test; you are a normal wife, not great, but normal anyway. Mostly b): You are a trifle unstable to be a good wife. Your marriage may not end up in a divorce court, but it could end up in a murder trial (either yours or your husband’s) Mostly c): You passed the test with flying colours! You could have made someone a wonderful wife. It is too bad you never married.