SENSE AND NONSENSE

June 1979  Sense and Nonsense

Proud parents perusing through baby books searching for appropriate names for their offspring are often unaware of two things. No matter what label is attached to the child, he will probably hate it; and half the people he is destined to meet in later life will probably forget it!

A girl I knew, once answered very reluctantly to the Christian name of “Clara”. At a tender age she had learned to live with “Clara-belle, the cow” a nickname most Claras are undoubtedly familiar with.

Clara told me the story of an incident which had completely dispelled all vestiges of her childhood hang-up. It was at a social gathering where she had met a friendly, personable, young man. They exchanged amenities and he expressed a desire to see her again.

“I have a terrible memory.” he confessed. “I’m afraid I’ll forget your name before the evening is over.”

“Just think of the cow,” she answered helpfully. She wryly explained the connection between the comic book character and her given name. Later, at the close of the evening, she noticed her new friend waving at her amidst the departing crowd. “Good night!” he called. “See you again soon, Elsie!” [Elsie, the Borden Cow]

I am anxiously awaiting the birth of my newest grandchild. It was supposed to be a May baby but it is now too late for that. Statistics indicate that newborn babies are bigger than they used to be. Possibly that is because they are older than they used to be. The nine-month pregnancy may someday be a thing of the past!

I am curious as to whether or not my grandchild will pass the “Draino Test.”  The Draino “turned blue” which is supposed to indicate the baby will be a boy. My daughter’s doctor does not believe in Draino (except for unclogging kitchen sinks) His favourite line is, “Another Draino Baby – wrong again!”

The Draino test reminds me of the old “wedding ring on a thread” method of determining the sex of an unborn child. My pregnant daughter had failed that test miserably – she was supposed to be a boy!

Babies are usually surprises in one way or another. If you don’t like surprises it is apparently now scientifically possible to “Clone” yourself. The process involves using an egg from a woman’s ovary, but all the traits of the mother are removed. The egg is fertilized and contains only genes from the father.

There are rumours afloat that a baby boy has been born in the United States who is a clone of his millionaire father. The little guy, if he exists, cannot help but be a “chip off the old block”. One scientific theory suggests that the fertilization process can be skipped completely. All that is necessary is a single cell from the father, who can be either living or dead (but not too dead!)

I can almost see it all now:

“You have seen it on T.V.
How to build a family!
With matching eyes
And matching hair.
They even come
With underwear
The latest offer from K-Tel
Each kit complete
Just add a cell.
Guaranteed for 90 days.
Never ceases to amaze!
Only fourteen, ninety-four,
Available, now at this store!”

I don’t care whether or not my grandchild passes the “Draino Test.” He or she will be an original child. I believe babies are supposed to be surprise!