Rhymes, Rants & Accolades from North Central BC


Circa 1980 Sense and Nonsense

The following is a very corn y play written while perusing through the seed catalogues.  The scene is the front porch of an old farmhouse set in the bush miles from anywhere.  The daughter of the house Rose is being courted by a city slicker named Brad.

BRAD:  “Rose, you are a ra’dishCamellia gorgeous chick and lettuce neck. Let me kiss your tulips. When I hold you I’m so gladiola.”

ROSE:  “Oh begonia! I’m glad too though, cosmos the time I’m stuck out here plum in the sticks, with my ma, my pa, my elder brother Will and my baby brother Al.”

AL:  “Hybrid tea Rose’s pretty dreth (he can’t always pronounce his “s”) You poesy come intide now!”

BRAD: “Hyacinths I last saw you, you’ve grown!  Who says we have to come inside?”

AL:  “Potato.”

ROSE: “Well, run along. I’ll colum’bi’ne by. We’re getting married to-marrow—although Pa doesn’t know it yet.”

BRAD:  “You didn’t tell your dad?  What about your mom, did you aster?”

ROSE:  “Yes, but she promised me some perfumed bath sals ify wouldn’t tell Pa until to-dai sy.”

Enter Pa (angry)

PA:  “Why should I caul iflower ignore me?  Where’s baby Al?”

BRAD:  “There he is!   Creeping red fescue!”

PA:  “Slow down young un’… Ouch!”

ROSE:  “Oh no, Al fell and he’s crying!”

Enter Ma (she’s been cooking supper)

MA: “What happened?  Where’s my baby?”

ROSE:  “Alfalfa,  he fell clean off the porch.”

PA:  “The baby’s breath  ing,  ain’t he?  How about me, he crawled up tomato and bit it hard!  Every time he chrysanthemum comforts him, he becomes more spoiled!  We should hire a citron on more occasions, then he won’t be such a mama’s boy.”

AL:  “Poppies!  I hate baby- titters.  Petunia’r little boy will run away from home.”

MA:  “My poor baby!  Can’t you tell when your pa is just talking orchid ing around?”  (Turning to Pa angrily)  “My supper is probably burning in the pan sy!  All because you can’t look after one little boy!”

PA:  (Very angry, turns to Brad) “It’s all your fault!  Courtin’ my daughter with no good intentions that I know of!  I should kick your bachelor button on the portulaca. (translation: porch.  You like huh?)  Listen cowboy,  you pull your lupin right away or I shall Kohli Rabi. (they are Jewish)

SCENE 2   The wedding is over and the newlyweds have left on their honeymoon in Pa’s car.  Ma and Pa are relaxing in the parlour.

Enter Rose bedraggled and crying:

MA AND PA IN UNISON:  “What happened?”

Enter elder brother Will.

WILL:  “What’s going on?”

MA:  “It’s Rose and she’s weeping Will ow  whatever could have happened?”

ROSE:  “A crabby ber ry attacked the car when we stopped for a picnic. He broccoli windows, mangel ed the hood and squash ed the gas tank. The gas leek ed out of the tank.”

WILL:   “I believe there’s asparagus tank around here somewhere.  Where is that bridegroom of yours?  Why didn’t he holl yhocks down with you?”

ROSE:  “When the bear attacked it grabbed Brad by the seat of the pants.  Brad beet at it endive  ‘d into the bushes.  His clothes were tattered.  We found some clothes on an old scarecrow. He couldn’t come with me, as the clothes are so stiff from being stretched out scarecrow fashion for so long. He has to stand still with his arms straight out for the clothes to fit!  (She giggles) You should hear that scare crocus though!  He scared off a phlox of birds. All but one little lark.  That larkspur ‘ned  the others and was perched on Brad’s hat when I left.”

PA:  “The insurance will cover the car.  An adjuster will take the caraway as soon as I phone.”

ROSE:  “Brad doesn’t care about the car.  He said let the carrot for all he cared.”

WILL:   “He’ll change his mind.  He’ll probably want the caragan ‘a  soon as we can get it fixed.”

PA:  “ I just phoned the insurance company and it’s lilac time.”

ROSE:  “Why Pa?’

PA :  “Time to lilac heck!  Our insurance doesn’t cover damage done by wild animals.”


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