WEIRD KINGDOM (spoof on a TV show called “Wild Kingdom”)

Feb.2, 1978  Sense and Nonsense

Mutual of Andromeda presents “Weird Kingdom” with Merlin Ferkins! (An Inter-Galactic Television Production)

“To-day we are about to explore a little known region in the galaxy. The planet Earth is covered mostly by water, but few people realize that many strange animals abound amid the vegetation of the seemingly small land masses. Because of the dangerous levels of oxygen in all but the higher mountain regions, we must take precautions before we leave. Anti-oxygen shots are necessary for both Stanley and myself. It is not necessary for us to carry weapons. The wildlife, though fierce and repulsive looking in appearance, are harmless.

Stanley has a radar equipped lariat. We may wish to capture and examine some of the fascinating creatures we encounter. Here we are, circling the planet Earth. Our adventure into the Weird Kingdom is about to begin! We decide to land near one of the smaller “anthills” as we call them, which have been built by one of the busier creatures on this small but interesting planet. The species we are about to study are rarely encountered in the galaxy. They are bipeds, and manage quite successfully to move about on exceedingly spindly legs. They are poorly equipped to withstand the harsh climate as they are almost completely hairless! However Nature has supplied them with extremely dexterous hands which enable them to clothe themselves in adequate, although primitive, garments.

Maybe to-day we shall succeed in capturing one of these interesting creatures. They certainly seem to be the dominant animal in this region. Notice their elaborately built caves and their slow but effective means of transporting themselves from place to place in strange-looking wheeled vehicles. Surely one of the more complex animals in the Weird Kingdom!

Oh, look! Stanley has easily captured one of variety of animals which according to our handbook, is a member of the “dog” family. These animals have been domesticated by the dominant creature, called “humans”, in the area. They are fed and looked after by the humans for, as far as we know, no reasonable purpose. At one time scientists believed the humans were slaves of these dogs, but we know now that it is not true. The dogs, though mostly well cared for by the humans, do not seem to desire more than these creature comforts. I am sure we shall learn much from closely examining the dog Stanley has now tranquilized.

My, look at those teeth! They could easily have torn flesh from Stanley’s arm if he were not wearing protective clothing! A quick exposure to our mini Q-ray camera, and we shall learn everything we need to know about the animal. We will then let it go, unharmed. We try never to harm any creature in the Weird Kingdom! As we approach the entrance to the anthill, we are careful to dodge the frantic, aimlessly driven, wheeled vehicles of the humans. We, of course, have turned on our “invis-shields”. We know from experience many animals become highly agitated upon confronting unfamiliar species. Humans, I have been told, are capable of completely destroying themselves and severely damaging the flora and fauna on their beautiful planet. Despite their aggressive tendencies, they cannot harm us, but we are always careful venturing into the Weird Kingdom!

There!  We have sighted a female human! She is one of a group of food transporters. Humans keep their food in storage centres, and the female of the species carries home small quantities to her young in containers known as “shopping bags”. She sometimes carries clothing and other objects home to her family as well. It is amazing how quickly these humans can move on only two legs! Stanley decides to use the “lariat” to capture her. It is hard to distinguish her from the other females in the group. There she is!

Stanley quickly ropes her! Although she is less dangerous than the dog, she is emitting extremely high-pitched noises! She is soon quieted when we apply the tranquilizer. Now a quick exposure to the Q-ray camera and our mission is complete. The human recovers her shopping bag, and scurries home to her young. She will retain no knowledge whatever of her experience. We shall learn much from our encounter with one of the most fascinating creatures in the Weird Kingdom! Tune in next week when Mutual Of Andromeda presents another adventure in the Weird Kingdom!

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