Rhymes, Rants & Accolades from North Central BC

Archive for November, 2016

UNTITLED (silly poem #31)

Untitled Poem

Four lumps? I gasped as he loaded his coffee
I thought you only took two?
Sugar’s a killer
they say
not healthful at all.

Later I had
one chocolate bar
two pieces cake
three brownies
but no sugar
at all
in my coffee

MY FACE IS IN MY PURSE (silly poem #30)

MY FACE IS IN MY PURSE
(From when I sold Avon and was
caught with no makeup on.)

My face is in my purse
My face is in my purse
The face you see
Is not the real me
My face is in my purse

I’ve rouge and lipstick
Cover-up, eye-shadow and eyeliner
Foundation, powder and mascara
To paint a face that’s finer
If you wait
You’ll see
What’s REALLY me
The face that’s in my purse!

LIMERICKS (silly poems # 29)

There once was a man from New York
Who ate Chinese food with a fork
Chopsticks with the meal
Held gustatory appeal
So he ate them along with the pork!

A lady who moved to Vancouver
Had a face lift she hoped would improve ‘er
But one eye got raised up
‘Twhere an eyebrow’d been plucked
And her lips were misplaced by the movers!

Her family deserted poor Doris
Saying “Frankly her limericks bore us
She recites all her rhymes
At inopportune times
And sleeps with a Rogets Thesaurus!”

A logger whose name was Leon
Found an anthill as high as the ceilin’
He was taken inside
By an ant queen who cried,
“You’re not the ONLY civilized bein’”

AN INTERESTING AUSSIE (silly poem #28)

AN INTERESTING AUSSIE

Contrary to all kanga rumour
Only Papa’s called a Boomer
He’s far away and roaming free
When Mama has her family

With bean-sized baby in her pouch
(I wonder if she murmured “ouch”)
She hops along the kanga trail
And misses not her kanga male

Her firstborn Joey’s by her side
Cause now he is too big to ride
And Baby’s buttoned to her vest
All safe within the mobile nest

When hungry Joey wants his meals
A soda fountain she reveals
The tiny siphon and another
A richer formula for brother

And Mother has another trick
The ultimate insurance bit
She has an embryo “on hold”
If babe at breast should die of cold

Confined in an arrested state
This almost baby does await
Unique among all nature’s laws
Called embryonic diapause

If all goes well and infant thrives
The embryo sometimes survives
And it is born and takes its place
To help increase the Kanga race

OPENING INTO HEAVEN (silly poem #27)

OPENING INTO HEAVEN

Opaque incandescent
lighting
moist warm
satiating
surroundings
dark shadows
comforting
reassuring

Diminishing space
cramped quarters
a sense of
confinement
depleted nourishment
hunger
it’s time to
move on…

Chip; chip; chip
domicile
disintegrating
aperture reveals
dazzling bright
sunlight
illuminates
long tawny shanks
feathers like mine
only bigger

Maternal love,
delicious
wriggling
food
it must be
heaven!

THE CREAM CHEESE ANGEL (silly poem #26)

THE CREAM CHEESE ANGEL
(From the cream cheese commercial on TV)

Beyond the universal shroud
Appearing rather nebulous
She lounged upon a cumulous cloud
While I stood by incredulous

With wings that gleamed a luminous white
And clothing effervescent
My comely angel’s appetite
Was utterly pubescent

“Would you do that for me?” she’d plead
When I flew down to Earth
Cream cheese was what she’d always need
Despite her growing girth

I felt such a cad when I returned
And her angel eyes were so-hurt
Her request for cream cheese I had spurned
I’d purchased low-fat yoghurt!

ON MARRYING- silly poem #25

ON MARRYING
Our widowed Grampa on the hill
Is three-score years and ten
His heart though is romantic still,
Next week he plans to wed again.

He has a grey-haired lady friend
They plan to pool their pensions
But marrying is a tedious thing
Wrought with many tensions.

He climbed the courthouse steps today
A licence to procure
The man behind an office there
Was in an awful furor.

With papers high upon his desk
The phone beside him blaring
He answered not when Grampa called
“I’m here because I’m marrying!”

“I want to marry,” Grampa said
Then voice much higher, hissed
“Who do I see?” The man looked up,
“See a psychiatrist!!”

ON S-SPEECH – silly poem # 24

ON S-SPEECH
A man who stutters whenever he speaks
Told us this story of how he spent weeks
Touring the garages and making the rounds
Searching for work in Vancouver town.

He entered a tire shop near Hastings and Main
They needed some help, the sign made it plain
The manager nodded, then said, “Yes, I would
Put you to work, if you spoke like you should.”

Our friend looked at him with a tolerant sigh
Then shrugging his shoulders, he gave his reply
Said, “Before I g-go, I’ll m-make you a deal”

“Do you see that t-tire over there on the wheel?
I’ve f-five hundred dollars right here in my pocket
I’ll g-give it to you, if you can t-talk it,
Off of that w-wheel, it’d be worth all my money”
The manager answered, “You’re hired, Sonny!”

Another World is on TV – silly poem #23

ANOTHER WORLD IS ON T.V. (1970’s)

Another World is on T.V. – it sells soap by the box,
Enough to wash a million shirts and fourteen zillion socks.
The show gets longer every year, ‘til now it’s half-a-day
With Iris in her spin-off spot, they’ve bumped the matinee

The characters within the show covet each other’s wife
They lie and cheat and murder too, much more than in real life.
Another World has come and gone but I have missed a few
Lately I have lost the track of who has married who

There’s Clarise, Larry, Joey, Kit, Charlie, Aida, Liz…
Is Blaine still evil in her ways? She’s worse than Iris is!
Do Gwen and Willis share a bed and business office too?
If so, it’s time that they split up as other couples do.

And Max – I hear he’s happy now remarried to his wife
Janis had him for a while – but tried to take his life
Rachel has her Max at home but Mitch is on the phone
Says he’s the father of the child that Max thinks is his own

Another World is on T.V. and ‘though you think me puerile –
I’d hate to miss the day when Max finds out that he is sterile!

The Optimist -silly poem @22

The Optimist

“I’ve lived a long time and I’ve learned a few things,”
Said my grey-haired philosopher friend
“And I’ve reached some conclusions to ruin your illusions,
About the importance of men.”

“By men I mean ‘Homo’ – the Sapien race
The ones who have caused all the fuss,
From whom it’s debated that apes are related,
Perhaps they’ve descended from us…?”

“Our society is like birds in a flock
As they bicker out on the lawn,
It’s bureaucracy and the powers that be,
While the rest of us look on!”

“All men are not equal…nor horses…nor fish
And we cannot be what we’re not
You could never lay claim to what Terry Fox gained,
Nor the horrors that Olson wrought.”

With those words he left me with thoughts in my head
Of animals in the wood…
“If man is no better than fur, fin or feather
Then, “Be-darned if we’re not just as good!”

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